The Power of Change

Healing and Creativity

© Lily / The Funky Room

I've been living a chaotic life these past years. Full of informations. Full of emotions. Full of experiences. Good and bad. But emotionally mostly bad. I've been practicing architecture. I've been writing. Published five mystery novels (where I kill all those fuckers who hurt me in the real world...lol!). I've been taking lots of photographs. With my Minolta. With my iPhone. With my eyes. I've been listening. I've heard. Music. Sounds and Noises. I've been struggling. With everything. With my place in society. On earth. With my mental health. Have you ever found yourself in that moment where you need a huge change but you have no energy (and real support) to actually take that damned step into a better life?

I've found myself in that position so many times in the past years. I kept taking those steps but for weird reasons. To please (Geeeez! I've always disliked pleasers and I have been one???). To conform (and trust me, I'm no conformist, I have never been and I'll never be!). To be part of a society that frankly I don't really care to be part of!! And sometimes trusting the wrong people who didn't really care about those steps.

I studied architecture. I'm an architect. I'm an artist. Yet I'm also an observer. Of the urban circus. A philosopher of space. A reader, I love to construct. Ideas. Images. Objects.

Architecture for me is a global concept. Not only a drawing that has to follow rules, laws, norms and lots of non sensical burocracy. That is the main reason why I started to detach myself from that world. I'm still an architect and I'll always be. But not that kind. Not that pleaser. Not the one who has to constantly change ideas just because you find yourself struggling with moron burocrats and law makers. I started to feel really sick. In my soul. In my body. In my brain.

"It's just stress" they (doctors, specialists, and such) kept telling me. Really? Like I fuckin didn't know/understand that! The problem was quite simple yet so hard to solve. How do you get out of that situation? How do you stop your brain to absorb so much negativity? Negativity that is making you so sick that you can barely move, think, breath and live. 15 years have passed and I'm broken. My only real cure has always been using my creativity. But that bitch seemed to have left me swimming in an infinite ocean of emptiness.

I've been trying so hard these past years to revive it but nothing! Everything I do doesn't seem to make me feel better! I've tried to learn new ventures. New ways of expressions. Nothing has happened to make me feel good, or better to be more precise.

I've been practicing yoga. Smoking weed. Taking meds. I eliminated bad people from my daily life. I asked for help to the most disparate "specialists" (the only one I have not contacted yet is an exorcist!). Same answers to my tired and unhappy soul "it's just stress". Seriously? Like I pay all these people and all they are able to offer me are potions or solutions to solve nothing (beside the amount of money in their bank accounts!)? Careful to who you put your mind and body to. Many quacks around.

Then something strange (as in strangely/weirdly positive) has happened couple of months ago. New doctor. "What you need is a change, a big one" she said without even knowing me, my background or the huge chaos going on in my brain and soul. Weird but interesting. How would she know I was looking for a change after dealing with me for minutes? My trusting issues are a little lost and frightened....having had so many useless experiences in the past makes it very hard to trust again. This time would be devastating for my soul. And for my mental wellbeing.

Ok! So here I am. A new beginning. New approach (all natural for a change!). New agony (which kind of surprised me since dealing with natural cures/remedies). But in agony my creativity started to come back. The old version. The one I truly love. The free one. The simple one. The one that I can do for me. For my growth.. For my well being. I guess healing is on its way. It's painful. It's a step. Probably, hopefully (and finally!) the right one.

Writing about it makes me feel a little better. But mostly I'll be trying to create again. Since Art is a reflection of the self. I put my troubles into art. Into painting. Into photography. Into compositions.

I'm starting again from zero. But this time I have lots of acquired knowledge on my side. And this new medical approach. Let's see what comes out of this experience. Mentally. But, more importantly (for my soul), creatively!